On desperately trying to shake off the past, but dreading the future.

IMG_1852.JPG

Stuck in a limbo truly like no other. The past has no appeal but sentimentality anymore, but the next few months are already threatening heartache. Is a step forward an escape or a sentence?

I’d rather be back in sparkly, sparkly February, suspended in time on a dusty Saturday morning. But it is no use wishing, and coming to terms with the present is probably the healthiest way to go. It’s very much just a question of how to do that.

Advertisements

On cleaning up and moving on

“God, how I ricochet between certainties and doubts!” 

The end was looming and is now here. Since I’m moving out in August, leaving home and becoming independent for the first time, I’ve been tying up a lot of loose ends in so many different ways.

I’ve finished school; had my last full day in the place I spent 5 years. I’ve worked out where I’m now going from here, where I want to go in life (at the moment, anyway)- and I’ve finally begun to be honest with myself. I’ve began to clean up the past, and I’m finally moving on from it- toxic relationships and friendships, and I’m letting go of what’s left which has left me with a nice airy feeling. And I’ve confessed things I never really thought I would about myself and how I feel about other people, too. But then that has left me doubtful with my moral compass spinning off the charts,

With exams now on the horizon I’m worrying a lot but besides that life has been feeling rather muted, like sunsets on cold beaches when there’s no one around to share the beauty with.

Wish me luck.

It’s got four sad songs on it, by the way.

That’s my favourite album name ever.

I mean, it’s certainly not my actual favourite album, but I think the title is clever. I like honesty. Or frankness.

I got into UWC. It was definitely a surprise- I completely messed up my interview and cried on the train back home. I’m ecstatic I got in but, finding the money will be tough so I don’t know if I can go yet. Which has left me feeling immensely flat. I’m lacking emotion altogether. I get enthusiastic about something for a half hour, then it fades away again. Boredom. Everything feels like I’m in an old, faded, silent movie. Maybe I’m depressed, I’m not sure really, but something in me has changed. Maybe I grew up.

I’ve been feeling myself dying a lot recently. When I lay down in the dark I can feel it- it’s like static in my head. Fuzzing. Rotting, almost. Like my life is getting eaten away at and I have no control over it. Which is odd, because I realise how much life I have ahead of me.

What I’m saying is I don’t have any motivation to be happy. I know I should be, I’m blessed, but it’d take effort. I’m currently bobbing along passively, and that’ll do for now, I suppose.

Ramble is my middle name.

On Fatal Flaws

IMG_0147

I’ve been studying Hamlet in more depth lately.

It is perhaps cliched for me to say it, but it deserves the recognition it gets- it’s a fantastic piece of work and is incredibly thought provoking.It has made me consider myself to be the tragic hero of my own life, and I do wonder, what is the fatal flaw that will ultimately lead to my downfall?

I rather fancy myself as Hamlet, minus the complete insanity. (Though you can debate that over my head, should you wish to). I isolate myself from people, alienate the world. I’m tucked up inside myself, pottering along the way I do. But the biggest similarity between Hamlet and I is certainly our habit of procrastination.

By procrastination I’m not talking cutesy ‘oh, I forgot, silly me’ nonsense.I’m talking a serious inability to do anything without the pressing deadline of ‘tomorrow’. Applications are written and sent off hours before they close. Essays are written minutes before midnight, hunched and frowning over a computer screen. Exams are revised for- the material looked at for the first time- in the bath the night before.

Whilst at the moment, I’m muddling through as such- I actually haven’t ever failed an exam, and I am a high grade, in some cases top percentile student- I have no idea how. I know when May comes around, I’ll probably have the same problem and god, these exams are the big ones. I need to get my head in the game because this cannot be the point I finally crash and burn. It cannot. And I have a damned nasty feeling that it might be- an everlooming sense of pessimism, of doom and gloom. The type you feel in your tummy late at night. Something’s gotta give.

I was a vegan for January. Maybe for February, I’ll be driven.